How do someone start anew?

The question has been lingering in my brain for quite some time now. I myself, am confused that it really becomes the question that I want to find an answer, not a rethorical one. Like, if there’s a manual, I want to read it thoroughly and try to follow it.

The thing is, I’ve always been a person who love a start, who’s all about something new. Sure, starts could be scary because we’ll never know what happen next, but it’s what makes starts are interesting — we’ll never know. It’s full of surprises. The nervousness, the way you’re anxious about what’s coming and going on, the way it give you chills, goosebumps, it could even make your stomachache. Those rush, those weird rush, are the reason why I love starts and everything new.

Like the first day I entered high school. Or the first day I entered college. The first day I joined a club. The first day I got to know someone. The first day I’m becoming someone else’s someone. The first day I became someone’s new friend. The first day of a new month. The first day of a new year.

Maybe it was because I always think with a new start, I could also start anew. Not start over, but anew.

I thought that I could be someone else. I could present myself as someone other than who I usually am. Maybe brighter, or colder, or more mysterious, or more cheerful. Anything I want, because nobody will really know or had the idea about what I truly am, or who I am before anyway.

But in life, we can’t really start anew in every thing and every time. There are times where we’re stuck in the situation and has to continue it, keep it going on, no restart button.

When I first met this certain person I currently had in my head, both the excitement and anxious rush are twirling, jumping, tangling in my mind. I can’t wait to present a better, brighter, yet more mysterious, so I can be the most appealing version of myself to them. I can’t wait to let them explore me, get to know me. I can’t wait to explore them too, since they’re so interesting to me. I can’t wait to study them; what make them smile and laugh, what they like and dislike, what are their fears, hopes, dreams.

Yet the anxiety is there too: the what ifs. What if I messed up? What if I actually am still bruised and can’t really start anew? What if I hurt them? What if I got my heartbroken again? What if it turns out I do still need to spend time to work on myself?

And I guess that’s the reason why I keep trying to find the answer to my question, why I said if there’s a manual of “starting anew” I would be happy to read it thoroughly.

Because I hope I can properly start something anew, with that person. Since I used to think I have to close the book and just dip, until I met that person … and feel a certain feeling, people usually called as … love.

And just like what the wise sayings said, love comes unexpectedly, and it could drive you to do things you didn’t expect you’d be willing to do.

And as for me, that would be, believing in myself that I do deserve and has all the rights to … start anew.